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- \author{kappa}
- \date{\today}
- \title{Online dating}
- \hypersetup{
- pdfauthor={kappa},
- pdftitle={Online dating},
- pdfkeywords={},
- pdfsubject={},
- pdfcreator={Emacs 26.3 (Org mode 9.3.7)},
- pdflang={English}}
- \begin{document}
- \maketitle
- \tableofcontents
- Frederick had always been a rather shy guy. Even if he wasn't so clumsy
- to stammer when a girl spoke to him, he had certainly never been able to
- be relaxed. Actually, he had always felt a little unlucky.
- \vspace{\baselineskip}
- One day he discovered a dating app. He tried it partly for fun, partly
- out of boredom, partly out of curiosity. You have to be bold to board a
- woman. His friends were always so confident, or at least pretended well.
- Instead, he needed time to think about what to say, he had never had a
- joke ready. Instead here, in the apparent anonymity of the Net, he
- managed to strike up some brilliant jokes. He had built an intriguing
- profile, selecting his best photos for Facebook. He was not forced to
- look into the eyes of the objects of his desire, he did not have to
- react on the fly.
- First chats were followed by first dates, and (finally) first
- adventures. It was easy, but not boring! He had become an expert, he had
- all the existing dating apps, the ones just to have sex, the more
- psychological ones like OkCupid, the geo-location ones like Happn. He
- had some curiosity for Grindr and other applications dedicated to gays,
- which seemed to be much more explicit than those for hetero people. Not
- to mention those for BDSM experiences, B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/s
- (Dominance and submission), and S/M (Sadism and Masochism). But he had
- never tried them.
- As soon as he woke up in the morning, the first thing he did was to
- check the phone to see if a new girl had written to him. His favorite
- app was still Tinder, for him it was as a dish of pasta: tomato or
- pesto, oil or butter, whatever choice was a good choice.
- \vspace{\baselineskip}
- It had become a pleasant routine. On his way to work he used to go
- through the various profiles of the girls that the application showed
- him: thumb on the screen, music in his ears. At every match, that is
- every time his profile was considered interesting by a girl, Frederick
- immediately wrote the same standard message and waited.
- The numbers were remarkable. He sent about fifty messages a day to
- multiply the possibilities. He scored an average of ten matches per day.
- And he ended up in bed with a couple of girls, one every two to three
- days. His friends did not understand how he did it, they thought that
- this “second job” was too tiring and even destabilizing: continuous
- appointments, selfies on Instagram, images selected for each specific
- girl met on a particular app.
- Still, the explosion of smartphones had coincided with the explosion of
- his sex life. Frederick knew well that he was addicted to apps for his
- relationships, and he wasn’t sure if he would be able to have longer
- lasting relationships.
- \vspace{\baselineskip}
- Frederick was not alone. Millions of women and men around the world
- increasingly relied on the relative ease of «takeaway relationships».
- Hit-and-run connections which, however, still could become quite
- different. At the end of the second decade of the new century such
- relationships, born online, were more than a third of the total in
- northern Europe.
- In addition to the apps, there were dating sites for all tastes,
- romantic and refined, only for married people like the notorious Ashley
- Madison, hard, soft and “all fruits”.
- For shy girls and or mature and very brisk women. For remote sadomasochistic relationships, in which the
- dominant ordered every detail of the day to the submissive. The dominant
- controlled the submissive through sensors applied to his private parts.
- She could send photos and other evidence of her betrayals to make him
- suffer. She could include platonic relationships, relationships oriented
- towards distance meditation and multiple relationships.
- Some apps required the compilation of very detailed forms to increase
- the chances of matches through extremely detailed profiling. Others were
- dedicated only to particular subgroups, for example; Peruvian immigrants
- in Dallas, Bangladeshis in Berlin, second generation Pakistanis in East
- London, Malians in the north-eastern suburbs of Paris and so on. To use
- some of these apps you had to pay, others were completely for free, or
- at least in part. Everyone needed a certain apprenticeship. It was
- necessary to follow the rules, learn to show the right information for
- obtaining the desired result: a chat with a stranger in a bar or an
- evening of sex.
- The Japanese were specialized in paid services to hire the ideal friend.
- Tinder had launched the social version of the famous app, Tinder Social
- obviously, to help people organize their evenings in groups of two to
- four.
- \vspace{\baselineskip}
- Beyond the considerations of taste, it was clear that all aspects of our
- life had now been digitized: on the Internet you could buy anything,
- thanks to the Net you could spread your professional profile, you got
- work, you got in the car with strangers for a short or long trip, you
- went on holiday to the house of people met thanks to the mediation of
- the screens.
- The conversations were an uninterrupted flow of ever faster and shorter interactions, dotted with standard emoticons. The widespread
- perception was that the Internet had invaded every aspect of our lives:
- why not accept that it also invaded our relationships, and that it took
- care of it.
- \section*{To understand}
- \label{sec:orgb837df6}
- In the frenzy of a world in which we are asked to “live it up”,
- establishing a relationship can prove to be a very difficult
- undertaking. Even an occasional meeting can be impossible, especially if
- you are shy and don’t have a lot of self-confidence. On the other hand,
- consumerism has also infiltrated our interpersonal relationships.
- \vspace{\baselineskip}
- One of the dating system goals, to create appointments, use the information
- provided by the user to create profiles and from there establish
- matches. Algorithms create possible correspondence listings with
- profiles of other users. This means that apps tend to make us meet
- people who say they meet the requirements that we have explicitly stated
- to seek.
- This characteristic of “algorithmic correspondence” is based on rules
- that select, from among the users, the ones most suitable to meet each
- other. These algorithms are based on a precise, if not explicit,
- assumption: that we know what we are looking for. Which may be true, but
- it can also be absolutely false.
- The people we meet without the mediation of an algorithm have not been pre-selected, however, we are
- affected by elements that we are not well able to define. Therefore it
- is not certain that knowing in advance someone’s tastes and preferences
- is an essential ingredient for establishing a connection.
- \section*{Good practice}
- \label{sec:orgf83bb23}
- Girls and boys, men and women, straight and homo, who loves this and who
- hates that… we are not all the same. We are all different,
- fortunately. Good practice depends on what we want to achieve, and who
- we are. Some suggestions are similar for everyone, others clearly
- differentiated.
- In general, if you have decided to try, we will not be the moralists. Prohibition does not belong to us, foresight does. So we
- have collected some indications to keep in mind:
- \vspace{\baselineskip}
- \begin{itemize}
- \item Every time you sign up for an online dating site or dating app, a lot
- of contacts will follow. Many people are just hunting. Selection is
- fundamental, it may seem brutal, but some selection criteria are
- needed: photos, origin, age and interests, would be the first filters.
- \item Many people are just looking for adventures. And yet it may happen
- that you find a soul mate. Whoever you are and whoever you have a
- first date with, think about your safety. Meet in a public place, tell
- trusted friends where you are, and occasionally send a message to
- confirm that everything is OK.
- \item No to hot photos. Either they are superfluous or they are tacky or
- they give a wrong idea: either useless, or harmful.
- \item Don’t enter too detailed information on your profile. Adult dating
- apps or sites are for-profit businesses: it’s best they don’t know
- your profession, where you live and what your phone number is.
- \item Trust your instincts. If something doesn’t seem right, leave.
- \item It can happen that someone is pretending to be someone else. She or he
- could really be as they appear in their photos, but it is also
- possible that they are not. Beware of disappointments.
- \item You are not a loser. You are only using one more way to find a soul
- mate. Or just to have some fun. Remember, however, that exaggerating
- is always risky. Consuming relationships as if they are snacks can
- become a pathology.
- \end{itemize}
- \section*{The Search Engine Optimization (SEO) manager speaks}
- \label{sec:org29efb9b}
- Your nickname is a fundamental element. The chances of having a meeting
- in real life increase if your chosen nickname is “playful“ enough. Your
- nickname should recall physical characteristics for women (such as the
- classic “blonde”) or personality for men (as “cultured”).
- It is especially good if… your nickname initial falls in the first half of
- the alphabet.
- What makes an “A” more fascinating than an “Z”? Simple: search engine rules. Often, in fact, the results of a search are sorted
- alphabetically, and those who end up at the bottom of the list have less
- chance of being noticed.
- Also, according to some scientific studies, names beginning with first
- letters of the alphabet are associated with better economic status and
- higher education levels. Economic status and higher education levels
- are, in some way, a measure of success.
- The why of the alphabet determining your success is far from clear. But
- studies are ongoing.
- A sample can be found in the research published on \emph{Evidence Based Medicine}
- \url{http://ebm.bmj.com/content/20/2/48.full.pdf+html}
- \end{document}
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